Relational Intelligence

Change the Energy in the Room

2010-07-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

There are people who can read the tone, people who can set the tone, and then there are people who are tone-deaf.

The people who set the tone in the relational environments they step into know how to change the energy in the room.

They are what I call Energy Carriers.

If you want to be a force of influence who affects the “outer energy” of the room, the kind that exists in our relational contexts (i.e. the vibe or spirit of any given setting), it begins with how you manage the energy of your internal world (i.e. learning to be fully present, living in the now moments of your life, and knowing how to harness what’s on the inside to change what happens on the outside).

Energy Carriers know this: if they want to be a force in their outer world of relationships, they must learn to be more fully present. They must resist and overcome the temptation we all face of distraction. I once heard it said, "Distraction is the greatest spiritual enemy of our time." I'm convinced of this truth.

From that present, centered place, we can embody what it means to be an energy carrier who learns how to navigate through the tone, vibe, and/or emotion of the environments around us. We can shape and form the relational ethos of the lives of others around us in a positive way, meaningful, and intentional way.

Read more in my book, Relational Intelligence.

Becoming a Story Collector Involves...

2010-07-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

Every human being has a story to tell. I use the term "Story Collector" to describe people who are genuinely interested in the story that other people’s lives are telling. They recognize the novel that is being written by another person's life, and they engage their story with anticipation. Story Collectors understand how to discover the most distinct dimensions of another human being through uncovering the multi-dimensions of their story.

When it comes to being interested in someone’s story, the goal is not to be interested in every detail of their life, rather to discover what’s most interesting about them and draw it out in a smart and meaningful way. In essence, that’s what a Story Collector does. In addition, they’ve developed a listening skill set that drives how they go about “collecting stories” from the lives of others.

For more about how to fine tune the skills of story collecting, grab a copy of my book, "Relational Intelligence: How Leaders Can Expand Their Influence Through a New Way of Being Smart."

The Michael Scott Syndrome

2010-06-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

Self-awareness is not difficult to define, but is incredibly difficult to admit when we lack it; and, it is incredibly difficult to identify in ourselves. In fact, we tend to recognize weakness and dysfunction in others way easier than we notice it in ourselves. As a result, we often fail to see what needs to be fixed when looking in the mirror.

Increasing our self-awareness is such an underestimated and overlooked component in this critical quest for relational intelligence.

I'm convinced that our pursuit of relational intelligence must begin with self-awareness because it frames the entire conversation around being honest with ourselves first and foremost. It reminds us that we all have blind spots, and that we need other people to give us input if we want to maximize our highest levels of relational intelligence--we cannot engage this journey alone.

If you are familiar with the main character from the TV show, The Office (i.e. Michael Scott), you know how much he lacks self-awareness. Of course this contributes to the comedy, but the truth is, we all have a little bit of Michael Scott in us. In other words, we don’t always see how we contradict ourselves with our words, or what our deficits and dysfunctions really are, or how unaware we remain about how insensitive we can be to others. That’s just the beginning of why this journey is important for every one of us. Let’s face it. We’re often not aware as we think we are.

Turning Big Conflicts into Small Conflicts

2010-06-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Most of us do not enjoy relational conflict, mostly because in some way it creates discomfort or awkward tension. And although we often choose to avoid it, we ultimately cannot avoid the consequences of that avoidance. In many cases, we let small problems or tensions go unaddressed, and later they add up to cause a much larger, more uncomfortable conflict. When we avoid smaller issues too long, they soon become a larger issue.

Relationally intelligent people learn to address small conflicts head-on, in constructive ways, and as a result they don't have to avoid as man of the larger conflicts and all the awkwardness and discomfort that come with it.

When people don't address conflict head-on when it is small enough to solve in simpler ways, then along the way, they leek. In other words, they might make passive aggressive statements that could seem like joking around but are revealing of unaddressed conflict. They may use nonverbal yet awkward signals behind someone else's back or perhaps even to their face. They may spew other emotions like anger at the person they have unaddressed conflict with, and that anger may seem like it's about something else involving work or a task, but in truth it's a very personal matter.

There are many more examples, but I wonder how our relational worlds would change if we got better at addressing the "smaller conflicts" head-on in more frequent fashion, so we could avoid more of the "bigger conflicts" that we all run from at times.

Brain Expansion & Relational Intelligence

2010-06-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

The human brain can and does change. In fact, science tells us that learning marks the brain in an actual physical way. Our brains can develop new connections similar to how our biceps grow when we hold and curl dumbbell heavy weights. And the more you lift the weights, or use the brain, the stronger you become and the easier that weight you are lifting gets. It's not that your brain grows in size like your biceps can, but it can grow in intelligence as well as speed in which it functions.

In that vein, we can accelerate the speed and increase the efficiency of our relational intelligence by developing new frameworks of relating to others. There are many examples (lots found in my book), but it baffles me how self-absorption and disinterest in others ruins and dissolves relationships, and most people even realize it. When I talk to people about learning to be interested in others, most people think they are (but often they are not).

If we are genuinely interested in others, we'll become more responsive in how we listen to them rather than neglecting to express ourselves as it relates to what they are saying. Also, we'll interact specifically with what they are saying rather than always steering the conversation to being about us. And, we'll learn to ask more questions rather than always offering up the answers or responses that try to prove to them how much we know or have experienced in life.

Can't I Succeed Without Relational Intelligence?

2010-06-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

If so many people succeed without relational intelligence, then why should we care so much about it? It's true, sometimes people are good at getting things done, they are strategic and driven to accomplish tasks, and they don't have to care about or treat people well along the way. Happens all the time.

But here's the thing. It's true that relational intelligence and success don't always go in tandem. But I would argue that the person without RI really loses more than they know. They lose sight of the most meaningful dimension of life, that is people that we journey through life with. At the end of the day, no matter what you accomplish, if there aren't others to share it with, then who really cares, literally?

And second, I would argue that we lose the great pleasure of having substance in our lives. Many of us lose sight of the great enjoyment, fulfillment, and pleasure that comes with living connected to other people in a meaningful way. We forget that our work is not just about the work, but that it is more about who we work with and how we engage our work together. That perspective is what can make our lives more enjoyable and fulfilling.

So do your part wherever you work and live to become relationally intelligent, and you'll find deeper meaning, more purpose behind your work, and you'll find great pleasure along the way.

How to Manipulate Others Well

2010-06-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

If you become relationally intelligent, doesn't that mean you increase your ability to manipulate others? The answer is yes. But that is why the character and motivation behind relational intelligence is so important. The Art of Manipulation is different from the Art of Persuasion. Manipulation resides on trying to control someone and invading their individual capacity to make decisions. It involves forcing someone to do something. In contrast, persuasion is not about invading someone's free will, but inviting them to choose by their own volition. Where manipulation is about control, persuasion is about the freedom of an invitation. If our motive and character are working right, we won't be using our relational intelligent skills to force people's hand but to invite them into a new and better life, a new and better way to make a difference in the world.

Web Browsing Increases Intelligence?

2010-06-22T12:01:00.000-07:00

Web browsing strengthens brain functions related to fast-paced problem-solving, particularly when it requires spotting patterns in a plethora of data. Studies show that internet users can assess the trustworthiness and probably value of a web page within a few seconds. The more we practice surfing and scanning, the more adept our brain becomes at those tasks. And even other academics say that web provides us with a valuable outlet for a growing "cognitive surplus."

On the other side of things, every medium develops some cognitive skills at the expense of others. Our growing use of the web and other screen based technologies has led to the widespread and sophisticated development of visual-spatial skills. But those gains go hand in hand with a weakening of our capacity for the kind of "deep processing" that underpins "mindful knowledge acquisition, inductive analysis, critical thinking, imagination, and reflection."

I believe all this has implications for how we view and handle relationships. How about you?

What do you think about this statement: "The internet is an interruption system. It seizes our attention only to scramble it."

Read more at wired magazine's article called "CHAOS THEORY"

Reframing the Biblical Narrative

2010-06-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

When Christians read the Bible, why do we often lose sight of the importance of things like scenes and plot lines, while focusing solely on doctrines or belief systems? Shouldn't we read the Scripture with a curiosity to discover the layers and compelling dimensions of the protagonists and antagonists instead of only looking for the "absolute" or "objective" truth, as if that's all there is in the text? Isn't is necessary, and I would argue essential, for us to recognize the character development and peer deeply into the conflict and tension embedded in the biblical stories rather than just looking at every verse to simply find a belief we should have?

And why do we get so dogmatic about certain passages, claiming there is only one possible way of interpreting the passage, when it is so obvious that there are multi-dimensions and layers of interpretation, not to mention there ought to be freedom for open commentary and dialogue about our different perspectives about the passage so we can stretch our minds, hearts, and even souls? Why do we get out of sorts with looking at the biblical narrative like we look at any other kind of literature, narrative, or story? It's like we have access to a 3D feature film but we settle for the black and white version without sound. Perhaps we need to rethink our own frameworks of biblical interpretation, which may cause us to rethink how we live out our faith, which may lead us toward greater impact on the world around us as we gain and portray a quite different perspective on the Scriptures and "truth" as we know it...

Human Knowing and Interpersonal Relationships

2010-06-14T22:37:00.000-07:00

One sign of success in a given relationship is when a person feels known. When someone is relationally intelligent, they cultivate relationships where people feel understood at a deep level. The path to helping a person feel known is not necessarily easy to do, but it is simple in concept. In order to do this, there’s one primal requirement: Be interested in people.

People feel known when we strongly identify with a distinct part of who they are, or when we recognize a unique facet of their humanity.

People feel understood when we help them express, or step into, more of who they are as a human being.

To increase our relational intelligence, we must learn how to become more interested in others by exploring how to identify aspects of who they are that are distinct from anyone else. This doesn’t mean we make a person feel FULLY known in just one moment, because that takes a lifetime to do. However, becoming relationally intelligent does involve getting better at moving people closer toward feeling known in a short window of time.

Though we cannot see and discover every facet of a human being in a passing moment, we can recognize, and strongly identify with, a part of their essence that is unique to them.

No matter where your interaction falls on the spectrum (that which ranges from meeting someone new in a social context, to working with a team of volunteers, to engaging in a mentoring relationship, to trying to strengthen a friendship, or to our daily interactions at work), being interested in people is a critical component of RI that can advance relationships forward.

Human beings long to be known, and most of us live our lives without consistently experiencing this as a pervasive reality. We cannot control how others do this with us, but we can take responsibility with how we pursue others as we seek to help them feel known.

Along the way, we'll be surprised at how our influence on others expands.

The Fear I Live With

2010-05-27T08:23:00.000-07:00

I'm stunned by how much fear lies within me when I sense God's invitation to desire deeply.

I'm stunned when I reflect on how easily pleased and satisfied I am with my life. The reason is, somewhere deep down, I know there's more, I know God longs for me to experience life in a different and better way. But over and over again, I relinquish my pursuit of my deepest desires. The truth is, I live so frequently unaware of my own desires. I think I get scared to face them, not always consciously, but certainly with consistency. I somehow persuade myself that my soul is not hungry or thirsty. Plus, I fear what I may discover in my heart-the brokenness, ugliness, and all the pride and self-indulgence. I get little glimpses of how passionate I am about my self, about how much pride fills my own heart, and I hate it when I see how badly I want other people to like me, even admire me. Ugh! Why can't I live more free? Why can't I be guided by finding my deepest pleasure in pleasing God and doing His will?

But what I'm beginning to realize at a deep level is that I don't need to fear my desires, no matter how ugly they may be, because my deepest desire is for God and from God. He is what I want the most, and I'm learning how to live more in touch with this desire. Yeah, I give myself to false and less admirable desires (much too often), but I constantly remember the question Jesus asks in the Gospels to several people: "What do you want?" Ultimately, I want Him. I've been trying to keep this question in the front of my mind because it helps me stay current with my heart.

The truth about me is this: I often seek satisfaction of my spiritual longing for God in a plethora of ways that have very little to do with God. I wish it wasn't true, but it is.

This is the journey I continue to be on...it's challenging, but I keep finding that it is worth it.

I'm grateful to others who have helped me put words and understanding to my journey of desire...

"In me wake hope, fear, and boundless desire." (George MacDonald)

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst..." (Jesus of Nazareth)

"The danger is that the soul should persuade itself that it is not hungry." (Simone Weil)

"The dilemma of desire is the deepest dilemma we will ever face. Its dangers are deep and potentially fatal." (John Eldredge)

"Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak." (C.S. Lewis)

"We are far too easily pleased." (C.S. Lewis)

Conversations That Change Everything

2010-05-24T08:05:00.000-07:00

Conversations are what we do as human beings—we talk, we listen, and we exchange words with one another. Some of us tend to talk more, while others tend to listen more, but if you have any doubt that conversations virtually define our human experience, listen to these statistics:

The average person says between 13,000 and 20,000 words per day. Men speak approximately 4.68 million words per year and 375 billion words in a lifetime. And women speak approximately a trillion words in a lifetime. That’s a lot of talking!
Despite the difference of a few hundred billion words between men and women spoken throughout life, the reality remains—we all know how to talk.

But…just because we are good at talking doesn’t mean we are good at conversation. It would be a mistake to think that because we’re inundated with words (billions throughout our lives), that we will automatically excel in dialogue.
Just as someone who has excessive contact with water doesn’t (as a result) become an Olympic swimmer, so it is with conversations. Becoming a skilled swimmer is determined by what someone actually does while they are in the water. It’s how they practice, how they strengthen their muscles, and how they treat their bodies.

Michael Phelps didn’t become the greatest swimmer in history by taking warm baths all the time. In fact, in his pursuit of winning an unprecedented eight gold medals in the 2008 Olympics, Phelps spent extraordinary amounts of time not only in the water, but diligently developing his swimming skills. In the 7 years leading up to the Olympics, he spent only 5 days out of the water! In addition, he ate between 10,000 and 12,000 calories per day to gain the energy he needed. Oh how I wish I could eat that many calories and have a physique like his. Phelps didn’t accomplish something that no one else has ever done by simply having contact with water.

This same principle applies to how we use our words in conversations. We can’t simply be in contact with words and expect to become Olympic level conversationalists. This will only become a reality when we strengthen our conversational skills, when we learn how to better treat the people we interact with, and when we consistently practice the discipline of creating meaningful and intentional dialogue.

That’s essentially what conversational mavens do.

Conversational mavens are experts of dialogue who understand the power of words, and are able to create, sustain, and catalyze substantial and meaningful conversations that affect people’s lives, even after the conversation is over.

Leaders who establish the deepest levels of influence are those whose interpersonal conversations leave a lasting and distinct mark. They consistently walk away from a dialogue having provoked new thoughts and ideas that people continue to mull over even after the interaction ends. This doesn’t mean they always try to say something profound, because often their impact comes through a question they ask, by expressing something they’ve been pondering, or by simply challenging someone’s paradigm of thinking (Jesus is an extraordinary example of this). And to take it one step further, conversational mavens leave their most lasting marks by listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit and obeying them in the conversations they find themselves in.

Being a conversational maven is not just about being clever or witty with our words, and it’s not simply about making people feel good, or even making ourselves feel good. It begins by understanding the power and gravity of our words so that we learn to use each and every one of them to generate life, inspire greatness, bring us closer to one another, and ultimately, to unite people with the God who created them.

The essence of conversation involves stringing our words together to create the impact we long to make. The words we choose to use are primarily how we relate to one another, and if we want to increase our impact, we must spend them wisely because conversations are the currency of our relationships. How we spend our words determines the quality and depth of our relationships as well as the expansion of our influence.

To become a conversational maven, we must never underestimate the substantial impact even one conversation can have,
remembering that our words can be a force of good that creates life, or a force of negativity and evil that breeds pain, brokenness, and dysfunction. If we ignore the power of words, and more importantly the God who desires to speak His words through us, we’ll miss great opportunities to make a significant impact on people’s lives.

If we’re going to seize the great opportunities that emerge in our relationships, we must become mavens who strengthen our conversational skills, consistently practice the discipline of creating meaningful and intentional dialogue, and spend our words wisely in every interaction we engage in. Most of all, we must pay attention to the leadings of the Spirit as He guides us in this quest, and then we’ll be on our way to becoming a masterful expert of dialogue, a true conversational maven.

Are You A Relational Genius?

2010-05-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

A genius is someone who sees what others do not see, and then uses what they see to solve a problem, invent something new, or use their remarkable insight and extraordinary capacity to usher change in the world around them. So, what implications does that have to becoming what I call a "relational genius?"

Relational geniuses have discovered how to recognize the dynamics in relationships that remain invisible to others. As a result, they use their abilities to navigate the challenges that come with the relational complexities of their life. When they get "stuck" in conflict, or a difficult relationship at work, or even if they are simply trying to crack the code in their effort to persuade and influence someone else, relational geniuses "invent" a new way to approach people. As a result, their acquired insight and wisdom informs the way they handle challenging relational situations, thus establishing credibility and an expanding capacity to influence others.

Relational geniuses don't neglect critical relational dynamics like seeking to hear the undercurrent of conversations, noticing a person's tone and knowing how to change and adapt to it, and embracing the importance of knowing and hearing the core of the conversation (which we often overlook or don't address head on).

It takes intentionality, focus, hard work, and honesty to take your relational intelligence to the next level. So, if you want to discover your RQ score (relational quotient), you can take my FREE ONLINE ASSESSMENT at http://relationalintelligence.info
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Invading the Relational Space of Others (part 2 of 2)

2010-05-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

Relationally intelligent leaders refuse to invade people’s space, but instead, wait to be invited into it so their influence expands rather than diminishes. They know this is where true relational influence happens.

One of the primary ways to identify whether we’re being invited into the "relational space of others" comes down to our ability to read and discern non-verbal and emotional "signs." People emit invisible vibes (or signs) that tell us something. Everyone sends them out, thus communicating whether they’re open or closed off to us. This is revealed primarily through body language, but also through the emotional energy a person emits. For example, someone could maintain a welcoming and open spirit, or they could emit an aloof and distant one. People tell us without words whether they want our advice or input, and relationally intelligent leaders pay close attention.

Sometimes people come right out and tell us directly that they don’t want our advice, but most people choose to send non-verbal cues to try and tell us to back off, or at least that our input isn't welcomed. They may do this for a plethora of reasons. It isn't necessarily a right or wrong thing. In fact, sometimes it’s very appropriate for a person to resist our coaching or wisdom because we haven’t earned the right to be heard.

Sometimes their non-verbal emotion-charged emissions are obvious and strong, while other times they’re subtle and difficult to sense. Often we can identify them, but when we can’t, we must remember to be direct and to ask.

We could ask something like, “Do you mind if I share some insight into what you’re going through?” This gives a person an opportunity to invite us into their relational space and welcome our input. It doesn’t always mean they’ll directly say no, but if they withdraw or seem resistant, they’re probably trying to tell us, “No thanks.” If someone is sharing a personal struggle with us, we could ask them, “Are you looking for help and advice, or are you looking just to talk this out?” This helps inform us on how to best respond to the person in a way that honors and respects their journey and our relationship with them.

All of this doesn’t mean there aren’t moments when we push through resistance and challenge people to grow and change. And to be clear, I’m certainly not advocating for some passive way of leadership. It’s just that in many leadership circles, we rarely seek to honor this invitational dynamic, we continually overlook the non-verbal cues and often fail to ask permission to push rather than forcing our agenda upon someone.

I'm convinced that Jesus is the most relationally intelligence man to have ever lived. And if we look at his life, Jesus’ way of leadership was not one that forced an invasive agenda upon people rather it was one that served others with great honor and respect. And since God doesn’t force Himself on people neither should we. But God does jump at the chance to serve people if they invite Him in. His posture is always bent toward serving others, and He’s a model we can emulate as we strive to become more relationally intelligent in our leadership.

Invading the Relational Space of Others (part 1 of 2)

2010-05-17T09:21:00.000-07:00

When it comes to the impact we long to have, we must be intelligent in how we approach our relationships.

To build and develop true relational influence, we have to be invited into someone’s relational space versus what we sometimes do, which is invade someone’s relational space.

By "relational space," I mean that invisible dynamic inside of people where they either open themselves to someone else’s input or resist it. For instance, if someone refuses to allow us into his "relational space," that means he'll resist any advice, input, or coaching we offer. In leadership, we often don’t pay close enough attention to this interpersonal dynamic, and in the process, we break trust, lose credibility, and diminish our capacity to influence.

Let’s think about this dynamic in a different way. Imagine hiring a personal trainer at a local gym to help you get in shape. By hiring him, you give him permission to coach you, offer his advice, and even push you to exercise with greater effort and focus. You are inviting him into your “space.”

On the contrary, imagine seeing a friend at the mall. After saying hello, he begins assessing your physical health, tells you how much you need to exercise, and then commands you to “get down and do 50 pushups.” I don’t know about you, but I’d be wondering where the hidden camera is.

When put in these terms, this sounds bizarre. But enter the world of relationships, and we often ignore this same principle. We offer advice, input, and coaching to people who have not yet invited us into their relational space. To them, our approach may even seem bizarre because we're trying to impose on them something they've never asked us to give them.

Maybe this happens with a younger person on your team whom you think would benefit from your advice, or with a person you’re trying to mentor but you haven’t established a mentoring relationship, or maybe someone you supervise at work, or as a volunteer, and you assume they want your help. Just because you live in close relational proximity to them, or just because you have a position of authority over them, doesn’t mean you’ve established trust, credibility, nor a voice of influence in their life. That has to be earned.

If we make the wrong assumptions in the relational world of leadership, our relational unintelligence will lead us toward diminishing impact.

Even if our motives are sincere in wanting to make a positive impact on someone, when we force our way into a person’s relational space, they sense our invasion, and will resist. More often than not, they resist because they feel we’re barging in without knocking. They haven’t opened the door and welcomed our input, advice, or coaching. This is their choice. Sometimes we short-circuit the process because we think we have all the right answers for them.

Relationally intelligent leaders refuse to invade people’s space, but instead, wait to be invited into it so their influence expands rather than diminishes. They know this is where true relational influence happens.

The Shadow Side of Relational Intelligence

2010-05-11T09:17:00.000-07:00

When it comes to how we relate to people in a healthy or intelligent way, all of us have a blend of strengths as well as deficits. Part of the journey toward relational intelligence is identifying the deficits in how we relate to others so that we can overcome those patterns, habits, or blind spots that often hinder and short circuit our relationships (and our leadership endeavors). One window into discovering our relational deficits or "blind spots," involves looking at what we do well. Why? Because there's always a shadow side to our greatest strengths. I'm convinced that our greatest strengths can reveal more about our weaknesses that we tend to realize.

For instance, think about someone who is great at creating harmony or calming the tension that exists between two people. Despite being great at harmony and peace-making, those people tend to avoid conflict or neglect the difficult conversations they need to have.

Or in a different example, think of a leader you know who is highly catalytic and visionary. Those leaders face the great challenge of others feeling used by them to accomplish their vision or get them where they need to go.

What about a person who is highly adaptable and spontaneity is a great strength of theirs. Their temptation may be to be impulsive or have casual convictions.

There are endless examples, but it is often the shadow side of our greatest strengths that points us to potential deficits we may have in relational intelligence. Think about a few of your greatest strengths. What might be the shadow side of those strengths, and how might that affect how you do relationships?

Unearthing the Character that Relates to Others

2010-05-06T09:22:00.000-07:00

As human beings, we often find ourselves moving through life while leaving our hearts behind. Along the way, we overlook, even numb, our deepest longings--and, we surrender to our lesser desires. It is curious to me that as Jesus traveled through His life, He often asked people the question, "What do you desire?" or "What do you want?" It seems Jesus knew that the pathway toward true and lasting character change must begin with what we desire because it is desire that guides us to what we will ultimately pursue in this life. As we engage this journey, and even battle, to remain connected to our desires at the deepest level, we will be moved in our hearts ultimately toward God because He is the One who created us with a deep longing for Him. He is the One we most deeply desire and so desperately need if we want to change and experience life in all its fullness.

Character formation does not simply come in the striving for change or in the indulgence of what is good. Instead, it must be fueled at the most primal core place inside of us, that of desire. I must say that I live disconnected from my heart more often that I like to admit. As a result, I move through my life leaving my heart behind, and the core of who I am is ignored. Over time, I find myself having numbed the deepest craving of my heart--for God Himself. This is why I must engage the battle for my heart, to awaken it, to pay attention to it, and to remain connected to the deepest and most primal center of who I am. This is the pathway toward experiencing "life," that kind of "life" that Jesus invited us into. Along the way, I keep learning and re-learning, that this kind of "life" flows through me when I care most deeply for my heart, and allow my greatest and deepest desires to guide me toward knowing and following Jesus everyday, every moment that I can. This is my longing, this is the life I pursue.

Today, my heart and mind meditate on the words found in Proverbs of the Hebrew Scriptures:
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

To Be Uncreative is to Be Ungodly

2010-05-01T08:36:00.000-07:00

Think of godliness and the conversation usually revolves around morality.

Why does creativity rarely come to mind when we ponder how we as human beings reflect God, remembering that how well we reflect God is the essence of godliness.

The Scriptures declare: "pursue godliness" (1 Tim. 6:11)

Why do we criticize others for lacking "godliness" as it relates to morality, but we so quickly and casually relinquish our responsibility to pursue creativity? According to the Scriptures, using our creativity to do good is part of what it means to be godly.

In Genesis 1:26-27, "God created man and woman in his own image, in the image of God He created us; male and female He created us."

In simple terms, God declares that we are His "image-bearers."

This is how God comes on the scene with humanity. And although most are familiar with this passage, we rarely grasp the full extent of its implications. At the very beginning of human existence, these are the words with which our Creator describes us.

But why is it that we rarely ponder the depth and breadth of what this really means, especially when it comes to our own contributions of creativity?

Just think about all that has transpired leading up to this declaration.

The Creator of the Universe has just sculpted the islands of Greece with the picturesque white sandy beaches. He has just filled the wondrous Victoria Falls with rushing waters. With an upward stroke of His brush He brought us the extravagant and breathtaking Swedish Alps. It goes on...

Up to this moment, this is what we know about God. This is what God has been doing, and I cannot imagine how much joy came with it.

Then He calls us "image-bearers?"

If we just stopped reading right there, what would that mean for our lives? God is this magnificent Creator, and we bear His image and likeness.

No, I don't think we can create beaches, waterfalls, and mountains, but I am convinced that the future of humanity awaits our contribution. We must use the capacity and creative potential that God has entrusted to us.

When someone is referred to as a "godly person," we must not just assume they are devout, self-sacrificing, or morally virtuous. We must consider that godliness is not just about certain qualities of character, but also entails our capacity as human beings to be co-creators of the future and all that is good.

When God created the universe, He took day seven to rest. But some of us live like He is still resting. We must wake up from our slumber because God is not asleep and inactive, nor does He want us to live this way.

Jesus said, "My Father is always at His work to this very day, and I, too am working" (John 5:17).

Creation was simply the first movement of a magnificent symphony...

In 2 Corinthians 6:1, the Scriptures refers to us as "God's co-workers," and declare that we must not "receive His grace in vain." In other words, God's grace must move us to action, to create more good in the world in a way that aligns with God's purposes. God's grace must guide us toward being the true "masterpiece" that we are, "created to do good," that which "God prepared in advance for us to do" (Eph. 2:10).

We are "co-creators" who are invited to partner with God in creating a different and better future for humanity.

Perhaps one of our great challenges in becoming like God (i.e. "godliness") is to realize that creativity encompasses making a distinct mark on human history in a way that draws others to God Himself.

How will creativity be part of your pursuit of godliness?

How will you use your capacity for creativity to affect the future of humanity?

The Volunteer Spirit

2010-02-07T08:54:00.000-08:00

King David once challenged his mighty warriors, "Whoever leads the attack on the Jebusites will become commander-in-chief." As a result, Joab stepped forward first, thus becoming the King's commander-in-chief. In essence David was looking for someone to take initiative and volunteer to be the warrior and leader among other mighty warriors and leaders.

If you are a leader in a faith community in particular, there's a great responsibility and even calling to find these warrior-like volunteers, these leaders who embody the spirit of volunteerism, no matter what it cost them. These are the women and men who are looking to find a place to leave their fingerprints on humanity.

This can happen in a plethora of different ways, but it often begins with a simple invitation, perhaps by asking if anyone is willing to engage the battle with heightened responsibility. What we discover in the invitation is the women and men who embody a volunteer spirit. And, these are the people who become the leaders of our tribe and movement.

One unfortunate facet of this journey is that many of us start out with a volunteer spirit, but along the way we lose our motivation, or our vision of why we stepped up in the first place. This is where leaders must develop a keen sense of awareness involving the volunteers and leaders around them. One of the keys to developing awareness is paying closer attention to the joy and creativity levels of our volunteers. When the joy level of our volunteers drop, or when their creative energy sinks, pay attention and be willing to take action necessary to bring change.

Two of the signs to monitor with the volunteers we're working with are joy and creativity. Joyful people use more of their brains, specifically, their right brain which is the creative and imaginative part. If our volunteers lose their joy, they will inevitably lose their creativity and imagination too. In time, as they begin disengaging certain facets of their brain, they'll eventually relinquish their own sense of responsibility of the task and role in front of them because the joy and imaginative spirit that once motivated them will have eroded away.

If people lose their joy and start to feel as if they're just "doing a job," they risk losing their ability to innovate and create. As leaders we must nurture and cultivate this joy and inventiveness that comes through the embodiment of a volunteer spirit. Put out invitations to those around you as you look for those who embody this spirit. And, with the volunteers you have, pay attention to their capacity for joy and ability to create and innovate. These are signs of the embodiment of a volunteer spirit.

The How of Communication

2010-02-04T08:52:00.000-08:00

It's never enough just to tell your audience what new insight you discovered. You must move them into the emotional and spiritual texture of how you came upon that insight. It matters not only WHAT you discovered but HOW you discovered it. As a communicator, when you guide people into an experience that evokes the power and possibilities of a fresh perspective it gives people a window into your own journey. As a result, the odds that you will capture a person's heart and soul, and then move them toward life-change increases. having an exponential effect on not only their life, but many who will be touched through them. Along the way, you can begin to help people see the world in a new and distinct way, with a new lens so they live a new kind of life.

Right Now Leadership

2010-02-02T08:31:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I find myself living for tomorrow rather than living in today.

My relationships are often defined more by distraction, internal chaos, and busyness rather than by being fully engaged with others and keenly attuned to what's right in front of me.

We all have those moments when we're in a conversation but we're not really in the conversation. In other words, someone is talking to you, but your mind is elsewhere. You may have the appearance of listening externally, but internally you are taking a mental nap. Sometimes people realize it, and sometimes they don't.

I'll tell you what happens with me. Instead of fighting to live in the present, I allow a moment, a conversation, or a relationship to drift away into the rearview mirror of my life, never to be recaptured. When this happens, my capacity to love and influence the people right in front of me is diminished. I've discovered that the moments when I'm most effective as a leader happen when I'm most alive to right now. This doesn't mean I neglect thinking about the future, pursuing the vision God has placed in my heart, or relinquish what needs to be accomplished. However, it does mean that to love and influence most fully, I must refuse to get lost in my mind and remain relationally disengaged.

Most leaders are compelled by the future, fascinated by vision, and obsessed with changing the status quo. But when we focus too much of ourselves on what we're trying to accomplish, what is to come, what will be, or what change we're hoping for, we can miss right now. And being able to live well in right now is critical to effective leadership.

When I reflect back and realize this has happened many times, it saddens me because I have too easily allowed potentially significant moments of my life to pass me by. Times when I don't fully listen or capitalize on a conversation, times when I fail to love another human being like I should, and times when I simply miss out on capturing the depth and meaning that can be experienced in a relationship.

On the outside, life is always moving, but life can only be fully experienced when we are still and centered on the inside. Living like this empowers us to be fully engaged on the outside.

We will only encounter life in all its fullness when we remain centered in RIGHT NOW.

When we’re centered in the present, we’re able to bring the all-ness of who we are to our every moment, and that will enhance the quality of our relationships and empower the strength of our influence.

This way of living and leading is what I call the power of all-ness. Jesus dealt with the idea of all-ness when He was confronted with the question of the greatest commandment. He refers to all-ness as it relates to the dynamic force of loving God and others in relationships. He wraps the idea of all-ness into four realms as He challenges humanity to give the fullness of themselves through their heart, soul, mind and strength.

You’re probably familiar with His declaration in the Gospel of Mark:
Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.

Above all else, Jesus’ desire for us is to embody the fullness of love with the entirety of who we are. When we don’t, we begin to compartmentalize who we are, thus allowing parts of our selves to remain disconnected, and thus distracted from who and what is right in front of us. Jesus understood that when we fail to integrate our complete self, we fragment our relationships and damper our capacity to influence others in a positive way.

In the original Greek language of the New Testament, Jesus uses the preposition ek, which means “from the center.” Then he connects ek with holos, which means, “the parts are all present” or “none are missing”. Jesus uses these two words together four times in Mark 12:30-31) to emphasize His desire for human beings to love God from the center of their being, bringing the all-ness of who they are--that is, every part of themselves into that relationship.

Jesus was heightening the importance of what I believe is a critical principle of right now leadership: wherever we are, be all there. He’s trying to help us understand the connection between living fully present and the holistic experience of love.
When we’re centered in right now, we will experience His power and love in more profound ways. In essence, that power will create a charge within us, and that charge is the intangible force of love that creates impact outside ourselves.

When every part of our being is fully present, we offer our whole selves to whatever we’re doing. Our undivided attention becomes focused in the right now (on the task at hand and on the people involved), thus empowering our ability to influence others more effectively.

Don't get me wrong, I love dreaming about the future, pondering endless possibilities of what's to come, and moving forward in life with hope, vision, and ambition. But I've discovered that when I take both eyes off the present, when I am not centered in the now, and when I am overly pre-occupied with the future, I miss right now. And right now is where the fullness of life is experienced and enjoyed. Right now is where love is most fully encountered both in you and through you.
Remember: Life is the moment we choose to live right now.

The Influence of Relational Intelligence

2010-01-24T08:26:00.000-08:00

"To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship." (Domenico Cieri Estrada)

When it comes to the impact we long to have, we must be intelligent in how we approach our relationships.

To build and develop true relational influence, we have to be invited into someone’s relational space versus what we sometimes do, which is invade someone’s relational space.

By "relational space," I mean that invisible dynamic inside of people where they either open themselves to someone else or resist them. For instance, if someone refuses to allow us into his "relational space," that means he will resist any advice, input, or coaching we offer. In leadership, we often don’t pay close enough attention to this interpersonal dynamic, and in the process, we break trust, lose credibility, and diminish our capacity to influence others in the deepest and most optimal way.

Imagine this dynamic in a different way. What if you hired a personal trainer at a local gym to help you get in shape. By hiring him, you are giving him permission to coach you, offer his exercise advice, and even push you to exercise with greater effort and focus. You are inviting him into your “space,” giving him a "voice of influence" into your life.

On the contrary, imagine seeing someone you know at the mall. After saying hello, he begins assessing your physical health, tells you how much you need to exercise, and then commands you to “get down and do 50 pushups.” I don’t know about you, but I’d be wondering where the hidden camera is.

When put in these terms, this may sound bizarre, but enter the world of relationships, and we often ignore this same principle and think nothing of it. We offer advice, input, and coaching to people who have not yet invited us into their "space." To them, our approach may even seem bizarre because we're trying to impose on them something they've never asked us to give them.

Maybe this happens with a younger person on your team whom you think would benefit from your advice, or with a person you’re trying to mentor but you haven’t established a mentoring relationship; or maybe someone you supervise at work; or perhaps as a volunteer, and you assume they want your help. Just because you live in close relational proximity to someone, or just because you have a position of authority over them, this doesn’t mean you’ve established trust, credibility, nor earned a voice of influence in their life. That has to be earned through relationship.

If we make the wrong assumptions in the relational world of leadership, our relational UN-intelligence will lead us toward diminishing impact.

Even if our motives are sincere in wanting to make a positive impact on someone, when we force our way into a person’s relational space, they sense our invasion, and will resist us. More often than not, they resist because they feel we’re barging in the front door without first knocking. They haven’t opened the door and welcomed us in, allowing us the permission to give our input, advice, or coaching. This is their choice and violating that principle against their will is violating what it means for them to be human. Sometimes we short-circuit the process because we think we have all the right answers for them, but they just don't want our "answers."

Relationally intelligent leaders refuse to invade people’s space in inappropriate ways. Instead, they strive to earn the right and along the way they wait to be invited into another person's space. As a result, their influence expands rather than diminishes. They know this is where true relational influence happens, and the realize relational intelligence can help them navigate that path to deeper impact.

One of the primary ways to identify whether we’re being invited in comes down to our ability to read and discern non-verbal cues. People emit invisible vibes (i.e. cues or signs) that can tell us something. Everyone sends them out, thus communicating whether they’re open or closed off to us. This is revealed primarily through body language, but also through the emotional energy a person emits. For example, someone could maintain a welcoming and open spirit, or they could emit an aloof and distant one. People tell us without words whether they want our advice or input. Relationally intelligent leaders pay close attention as they listen to what's not being said, but is communicating to those who listen with a third ear.

Sometimes people come right out and tell us directly that they don’t want our advice, but most people choose to send non-verbal cues as they try to tell us to back off, or at least that our input isn't welcomed in this situation or moment. They may do this for a plethora of reasons, some of which could be good ones and some not so good. But it isn't necessarily a right or wrong thing. In fact, sometimes it’s very appropriate for a person to resist our coaching or wisdom because we haven’t earned the right to be heard. And relational intelligence helps us understand when we have earned the right and when we haven't.

Sometimes their non-verbal emissions are obvious and strong, while other times they’re subtle and difficult to sense. Often we can identify them. When we can’t, it’s usually ok to ask.

We could ask something like, “Do you mind if I share some insight into what you’re going through?” This gives a person an opportunity to invite us into their relational space and welcome our input. It doesn’t always mean they’ll directly say no, but if they withdraw or seem resistant, they’re probably trying to tell us, “No thanks.” If someone is sharing a personal struggle with us, we could ask them, “Are you looking for help and advice, or are you looking just to talk this out?” This helps inform us on how to best respond to the person in a way that honors and respects their journey and our relationship with them.

All of this doesn’t mean there aren’t moments when we push through resistance and challenge people to grow and change.

And to be clear, I’m certainly not advocating for some passive way of leadership or an avoidance of anyone who resists any input in their life. It’s just that in many leadership circles, we rarely seek to honor this invitational dynamic, we continually overlook the non-verbal cues and often fail to ask permission to push rather than forcing our agenda upon someone.

Jesus’ way of leadership was not one that forced an invasive agenda upon people rather it was one that served others with great honor and respect. And since God doesn’t force Himself on people neither should we. But God does jump at the chance to serve people if they invite Him in. His posture is always bent toward serving others, and He’s a model we can emulate as we strive to become more relationally intelligent in our leadership.

The Star Trek Way

2010-01-22T20:18:00.000-08:00

I went to see Star Trek, and to be honest, I wasn’t expecting all that much. I grew up watching Star Trek with my dad and two brothers, so nostalgia and some good popcorn was all I was shooting for. But to my surprise, I absolutely loved this film. There’s just something so compelling when a character in a story undergoes a complete transformation. James Kirk was a young guy with a history of loss, and now he was creating a future of failure. He had decided that living for himself was his best bet.

But then the story takes a turn.

The residing captain over Starship Enterprise, Captain Pike, happens to break up a fistfight that James Kirk finds himself engaged in, and uses this small window of opportunity to call something greater out of Kirk. Captain Pike didn’t promise James Kirk comfort, safety or popularity. He offered a chance for Kirk to risk it all, to use his talents for the greater good, and to invest his life in one simple but powerful thing…a mission.

It is this mission which calls a more noble and sacrificial James Kirk out.

His personality doesn’t change much, but his heart changes completely.

It seems that as leaders we often attempt to persuade others to change their lives by counting all the ways their lives will improve, be enriched and more fulfilled. But we often forget to mention is that their lives must be radically devoted to a specific mission, which will demand 100% of them…nothing less. And why should we soften the call? If any of us have experienced true transformation, as we see occur through Kirk’s life, hasn’t it been the result of giving our lives away, not grasping for more for ourselves?

God has this incredibly non-strategic plan for calling humanity unto Himself. He asks us to care more about the mission than ourselves. And that mission is nothing short of impossible; it is reconciling broken human beings to a perfect and holy God. In Star Trek, the people who join the crew of the Starship Enterprise are signing up to bring, restore, and keep peace among the different galaxies surrounding the earth. They are ambassadors and even fighters for the greatest value known to man…love.

It can be so easy to sit in a theatre in our comfortable reclining seats and admire from a distance how people lay it all on the line to fight for what really matters. But it’s a whole different story when it’s us out there in the real world. The admiration is quickly forgotten, and living missional lives becomes just another plot line for a great film, but certainly not for our actual lives.

For those of us who have this constant angst inside to change things, and for those of us that call ourselves leaders, there is a challenge that we must not forget. Our lives are on loan to us, and they are to be spent on this earth fighting for what we believe in, and on pulling others into the dangerous territory we call true love. It is love that reconciles us to one another, and ultimately, to the God of this vast universe.

We can be the Captain Pike in our own story, not only living on mission, but calling others to join this radical movement of love.

So, the next time you have the pleasure of watching a great film, nestled into that comfy theatre chair, eating overpriced junk food, maybe you should do something radical like jump out of that seat and start living it, and rather than just watching it. There is nothing like a good science fiction movie to remind you what is truly real in this life, and what’s really worth fighting for.

What's Wrong with the Right Doctrine?

2010-01-20T08:00:00.000-08:00

In the religion of Christianity, the strategy to move forward is fueled by church leaders and pastors striving to transfer the right biblical knowledge ("doctrine") to as many people as possible. Spiritual maturity and growth is equated with the attainment of the right information and maintaining precisely the correct biblical doctrines.

But there is something clearly wrong with this emphasis on biblical knowledge and right doctrine.

The Pharisees knew more about the Bible than most people will ever know—and it hardened their hearts.
Their hearts had become seared even as they gained knowledge about the most sacred of writings. They clung tightly to this knowledge with a belief that it would give them life and produce spiritual maturity—but that’s not what happened at all.

According to Jesus, they clearly missed the point. If you don’t believe me, just read the Gospels. These religious leaders put their hope in the information they had gained because they believed it to be the primary pathway to spiritual growth and maturity. They held strong to this thinking that the Life that Jesus offered was found through biblical knowledge—but it was not.

On one occasion, Jesus said to them: “You have your heads in your Bibles constantly because you think you’ll find eternal life there. But you miss the forest for the trees. These Scriptures are all about me! And here I am, standing right before you, and you aren’t willing to receive from me the life you say you want” (John 5:39-40, MSG).
When we take an honest look at the Pharisees, we can’t help but see that attaining lots of biblical knowledge and solidifying the right doctrine isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. And according to Jesus, it’s certainly not the pathway to finding what we all most deeply want—Life.

With their knowledge, the Pharisees made sure they did the right thing in perfect fashion, but along the way, they obliterated the deepest longings of their soul, not even realizing how destructive their pursuit of knowledge had become, and not recognizing the hardening of their own hearts. When we gain knowledge alone without allowing our deepest desires to guide us to God, we end up clinging to information rather than Jesus Himself.

But why do so many people fail to make a distinction between finding Life in Jesus and overemphasizing biblical knowledge, information and doctrine?

Even the biblical narrative in Genesis identifies two distinct trees that reveal this contrast. There is The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and The Tree of Life. God invited Adam and Eve to eat from the Tree of Life and commanded them to steer clear from the other tree because it would lead to their demise. We keep choosing the wrong tree. We keep gaining knowledge that is absent of the Life we long for—and it keeps hardening our hearts.

Knowing the right doctrine or information doesn’t eradicate sin, it doesn’t improve our capacity to make better moral decisions, it doesn’t assure us of salvation and it doesn't offer us life in all its fullness.

Jesus promises to bring us life in all its fullness, but we have buried our pursuit of it beneath the rubble of religious teachings that overemphasize biblical knowledge. We think it will cure our tendency to sin, we believe it’s the solution to our immorality and we keep hoping it’s the pathway to salvation—but it is not.

Right doctrine alone does not lead to Life. We see this in the Pharisees. We see this in certain religious people in our own lives. And perhaps we see this failure of biblical knowledge alone to help us find that Life Jesus promises to each of us when we seek Him.

It's not that biblical knowledge is unimportant, but it certainly isn’t the most important path to finding Life.

There is a very clear distinction displayed through Jesus’ conversations with the Pharisees between the attainment of biblical knowledge and the experience of life in all its fullness. The kind of Life every human being longs for can only be experienced when we experience the person of Jesus Himself.

I Don't Believe In Love

2009-09-06T20:00:00.001-07:00

Believing in love doesn’t change anything. Unfortunately that’s where so many of us find ourselves, stuck in the belief of love rather than advancing the movement of love. I don’t come across too many people who reject the value of love, but why do people keep rejecting their responsibility to live out love?