I'm stunned by how much fear lies within me when I sense God's invitation to desire deeply.
I'm stunned when I reflect on how easily pleased and satisfied I am with my life. The reason is, somewhere deep down, I know there's more, I know God longs for me to experience life in a different and better way. But over and over again, I relinquish my pursuit of my deepest desires. The truth is, I live so frequently unaware of my own desires. I think I get scared to face them, not always consciously, but certainly with consistency. I somehow persuade myself that my soul is not hungry or thirsty. Plus, I fear what I may discover in my heart-the brokenness, ugliness, and all the pride and self-indulgence. I get little glimpses of how passionate I am about my self, about how much pride fills my own heart, and I hate it when I see how badly I want other people to like me, even admire me. Ugh! Why can't I live more free? Why can't I be guided by finding my deepest pleasure in pleasing God and doing His will?
But what I'm beginning to realize at a deep level is that I don't need to fear my desires, no matter how ugly they may be, because my deepest desire is for God and from God. He is what I want the most, and I'm learning how to live more in touch with this desire. Yeah, I give myself to false and less admirable desires (much too often), but I constantly remember the question Jesus asks in the Gospels to several people: "What do you want?" Ultimately, I want Him. I've been trying to keep this question in the front of my mind because it helps me stay current with my heart.
The truth about me is this: I often seek satisfaction of my spiritual longing for God in a plethora of ways that have very little to do with God. I wish it wasn't true, but it is.
This is the journey I continue to be on...it's challenging, but I keep finding that it is worth it.
I'm grateful to others who have helped me put words and understanding to my journey of desire...
"In me wake hope, fear, and boundless desire." (George MacDonald)
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst..." (Jesus of Nazareth)
"The danger is that the soul should persuade itself that it is not hungry." (Simone Weil)
"The dilemma of desire is the deepest dilemma we will ever face. Its dangers are deep and potentially fatal." (John Eldredge)
"Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak." (C.S. Lewis)
"We are far too easily pleased." (C.S. Lewis)
Relational Intelligence
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- Steve Saccone
- Los Angeles, CA, United States
- Steve is a leadership catalyst, writer, and creativity consultant. He works with Mosaic, a spiritual community in Los Angeles who strives to empower creativity of the human spirit, as well as cultivate relational and spiritual health. Steve also works as a Field Advisor for the Gallup Organization, serves as Director of Protege, a 2-year Global Leadership Program, and is an Adjunct Professor and guest lecturer for numerous universities.